Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
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I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
<—- homeless romantic
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing