[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
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WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Yoga Matt
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Labreador
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
when nothing goes right… go left
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.