it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history