Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
is nasa ok
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
he’s sick of your bullshit today