Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”