So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene