Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/