Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city