[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty