The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*