owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.