A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.