Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.