I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.