My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in