Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing