As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
You Might Also Like
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.