Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late