[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good