Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.