Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Natty or not?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary