Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.