Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
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You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
early stone age tool
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome