If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
You Might Also Like
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out