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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Cha-ching is my safe word
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon