Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit