You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon