Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.