Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity