i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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My life in a nutshell
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.