What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Friends that check up on you >
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.