A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
December birthdays be like…
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
sistine chapel
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”