Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’d … I’d rather not.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour