[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.