We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
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[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.