Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
guilty
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Well, this is awkward
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“How’s your day going?”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
How about daylight saves us for once
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.