I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
You Might Also Like
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I’m not proud
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞