this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”