I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’d hang this in my house.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?