My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Raisins are grape jerky.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.