It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point