The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.