Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Love is always patient and kind.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!