Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
You Might Also Like
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.