ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
#dnd #ttrpg
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
black phone good
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
lot going on here, legally speaking.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.