I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.