snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.