What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
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My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.