[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
This took me a second..
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him