the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
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Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend